NEW APPLICATION FOR FUTURE TEXAS RESIDENTS

Application to Live in TexasName:__________________________Nickname:_________________________________CB Handle:_____________________Pickup Truck Model:_____________________  Color:______________Address (RFD No.):_______________________________________________Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):__________________________________Mamma:_________________________Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark RedNumber of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________Truck equipped with:____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag____8-Track Cassettes   ____Load of Wood  ____Hijacker Shocks____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas____Spittoon            ____Camper Top          ____Air Horns____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog             ____Hunting RifleNumber of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____BUMPER STICKERS:____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit____Redman Chewing Tobacco      ____Wave if you're horny____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Texas____I Brake For Nuthin'         ____National Rifle AssociationDefine the following (must be 90% correct):1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. ChitlinsFavorite Vocalist:____Reba McEntire        ____Conway Twitty      ____Loretta Lynn____Hank Williams Jr.    ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard____Tammy Wynette     ____Slim Whitman       ____Porter Wagoner____Willie Nelson          ____George Jones        ____Box Car WillieFavorite Recreation:____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin'____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'        ____4-Wheelin'____Drankin'               ____Spittin' Backy         ____Bill Chip Throwin'____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'                 ____OtherName of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.____Bill Lee  ____Bob Lee    ____DukeName of Daughter(s):  ____PammySue   ____Violet   ____Paulette   ____DaisyWeapons Owned:___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun    ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin___Tire Iron      ___Power Chain Saw      ___Pick Handle  ___Hick'ry SwitchNumber of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle___Black & Tan  ___Bird DawgCap Emblem: _John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser___Vo-Tech        ___Skoal                        ___Coors___NAPA            ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear___N.R.A.           ___Redman                  ____KodiakNumber of Dependends:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________Memberships:___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club     ___AA___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy___John Birch SocietyLength of Right leg:________              Length of Left leg:__________Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____  Number of Testicles Left____Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color ofPrimer Red?  ___Yes    ___NoHow many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________Are you married to any of the following:____Sister      ____Cousin      ____SowDo you know her name?________________Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________If so, why?______________________________________________________________Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________To 21 with your fly up?_____________________Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________Medical Information:Do you have at least two of the following:___BO                ___Crabs            ___Head Lice      ___Rabies___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath   ___Chafing( Whar?)IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF TEXAS, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLEIN THE STATES OF Mississippi, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS.THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER,….YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT TEXAS.Disclaimer: This document is provided in Jest.  Enjoy it and be proud of your heritage,your Momma, and your ForeBears.

NOTE: Clicking on links will bring up associated Texas products. Enjoy.

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Alan Chenkin

Alan Chenkin

I write for fun!

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